Rude Shock

As my new employers prefer to serve their over sized flavoured beverages in reusable recyclable 100% biodegradable paper cups, there is no need for a dish washer.

The dish pig, never one to miss an opportunity to make my life hell, has answered their call for "adaptable self motivated, passionate, creative team players" and after under going their Accelerated Staff Management Program, will be my new boss.

During a break from our Team Building Exercises this morning, he quietly informed me of his plans to make my life fucking miserable, one cup at a time.

Hostile Takeover

In order to post bail, my boss has sold Caffe Cinque to a well known coffee chain.

While the cafe is being refurbished with funky light fittings and beige couches, I have been forced to attend Staff Training, a series of "fun" team building exercises and informative lectures about the way in which this amazing coffee company is "inspiring and nurturing the human spirit, one cup at a time."

During these sessions I am referred to as a "partner" in the company, but have been informed that I will still be treated like a regular employee.

I have also been informed that my Policies and Procedures Manual is no longer required, and that my beloved Gaggia will be replaced a bigger, better machine.

I must wear a green apron and be nice to the customers.
I must make flavoured beverages in over sized take away cups.
I must listen to Norah Jones.

I have decided not to quit until I am up to date on the rent, but have postponed work on "The Gaggia From Behind" in order to write a tell all book about the inner workings of the Rain Forest Alliance.

Sabbatical

Due to reasons I cannot disclose, Caffe Cinque has been closed for several weeks. The owner of the cafe resides in Barwon Prison until he can post bail.

I have taken advantage of the situation, and after a brief sojourn in Fiji with the money I found under the floorboards in the office, I have agreed to re open Caffe Cinque under the following conditions:

I will return under the title of Executive Barista, and may hire an Assistant to the Executive Barista and an Assistant to the Assistant to the Executive Barista to help with all administrative duties.

I will be paid more.

All profits are to go towards posting bail, but any cash found under office floorboards or behind the staff toilet may be used for the Executive Barista's foreign travel and/ or liquor supply.