Anxiety Attack

My new position as Area Supervisor comes with much responsibility.
Not only must I ensure that all the stores look exactly the same, I must also check that each staff member displays the appropriate levels of energy and enthusiasm in order to connect with, laugh with and uplift the lives of our customers.
While inspecting my sixteenth store in two days, I became disorientated. I checked that the Organic Shade Grown Mexican blend was adequately sign posted, forgot which store I was in and had a mild anxiety attack.
The Shift Supervisor left her work station and directed me to a beige couch in the far corner of the store, and instructed me to breathe deeply into a reusable, recyclable 100% biodegradable paper bag.
As this is a common occurrence amongst staff members forced to spend time in multiple stores, my request for sick leave was granted immediately.

Management

My recent foray into low budget film has earned me a promotion.

I am now Area Supervisor, a position which comes with many perks, the main one being that I am superior to the manager formerly known as the dish pig.

I have a company car, a company credit card and a company phone. I spend my days driving from one chain store to another ensuring that they all look the same. Most of these stores are in the outer suburbs so I have asked for special permission to carry a weapon.

Blackmail

It turns out that the " highly adaptable self motivated passionate creative team players" that I am now forced to work with are also highly promiscuous.

While dutifully placing used, reusable recyclable 100% biodegradable over sized paper cups into the recycling bin out the back, I stumbled upon the District Manager and the new Shift Supervisor engaging in some rather questionable Team Bonding exercises.

I pretended not to notice, helped myself to some petty cash, and bought a small video camera which has been installed out the back. All incriminating footage will be used to assist me in my quest to obtain a promotion and/ or financial compensation for the emotional trauma caused by seeing my Shift Supervisor in nothing but a green apron.

Rude Shock

As my new employers prefer to serve their over sized flavoured beverages in reusable recyclable 100% biodegradable paper cups, there is no need for a dish washer.

The dish pig, never one to miss an opportunity to make my life hell, has answered their call for "adaptable self motivated, passionate, creative team players" and after under going their Accelerated Staff Management Program, will be my new boss.

During a break from our Team Building Exercises this morning, he quietly informed me of his plans to make my life fucking miserable, one cup at a time.

Hostile Takeover

In order to post bail, my boss has sold Caffe Cinque to a well known coffee chain.

While the cafe is being refurbished with funky light fittings and beige couches, I have been forced to attend Staff Training, a series of "fun" team building exercises and informative lectures about the way in which this amazing coffee company is "inspiring and nurturing the human spirit, one cup at a time."

During these sessions I am referred to as a "partner" in the company, but have been informed that I will still be treated like a regular employee.

I have also been informed that my Policies and Procedures Manual is no longer required, and that my beloved Gaggia will be replaced a bigger, better machine.

I must wear a green apron and be nice to the customers.
I must make flavoured beverages in over sized take away cups.
I must listen to Norah Jones.

I have decided not to quit until I am up to date on the rent, but have postponed work on "The Gaggia From Behind" in order to write a tell all book about the inner workings of the Rain Forest Alliance.

Sabbatical

Due to reasons I cannot disclose, Caffe Cinque has been closed for several weeks. The owner of the cafe resides in Barwon Prison until he can post bail.

I have taken advantage of the situation, and after a brief sojourn in Fiji with the money I found under the floorboards in the office, I have agreed to re open Caffe Cinque under the following conditions:

I will return under the title of Executive Barista, and may hire an Assistant to the Executive Barista and an Assistant to the Assistant to the Executive Barista to help with all administrative duties.

I will be paid more.

All profits are to go towards posting bail, but any cash found under office floorboards or behind the staff toilet may be used for the Executive Barista's foreign travel and/ or liquor supply.

Valentine's Day

Note to staff:

As the chef is going through a bitter divorce and refuses to create a special Valentine's Day dish, existing menu items should be described as "share plates" to any customers resembling a happy couple this Sunday. There is a minimum order of two share plates per couple.

The communal table in the middle of the cafe has been reserved for Caffe Cinque's Annual Valentine's Day Speed Dating Brunch.
Customers wishing to reserve a seat at this table must apply to me in person and provide two recent colour photographs and fill out a form explaining why they are single.