Crush

My Manager returned to work today, heavily medicated and therefore not too concerned about the sign I have placed next to the register;

"No Skim No Soy Not Sorry."

She didn't notice that I payed myself 25 hours overtime for editing the Policies and Procedures Manual, and didn't care that rather than placing an ad on Seek.com for new wait staff, I simply called Chadwick's Model Management and asked them to send over three people with classic European features. Obviously their hourly rate is quite high but we make it back in tips.

I have developed a crush on one of these models so will be omitting Chapter 13 from Policies and Procedures, titled "Workplace Romance = Instant Dismissal."

You say Tomato, I say Vine Ripened Semi Dried Tuscan Pomodoro.

The new menu is finalised and we are now serving food to complement our Italian Style, European feel decor. The chef was reluctant to make any changes while the Manager is away but I threatened to report him to immigration if he didn't learn some new recipes.

The new girl has asked for some time off so she can attend an audition, which I refused, referring her to the Policies and Procedures Manual, Chapter One Section Two;

"Any secondary employment must take second priority to all existing job requirements of Caffe Cinque."

I also insisted that she learn some basic Italian so she can pronounce our drinks list, rather than referring to the Limonata as "the yellow drink" and Chinotto as "the brown one."

Some Like It Hot

"Coffee is best served between 60 and 70 degrees celsius."
( Policies and Procedures, Chapter Three, Section Two)

Once a week Caffe Cinque is over run with pensioners who insist that their lattes with no froth are served piping hot, so that I burn my hand placing the glasses on the saucers.

Attempts to educate them about coffee have fallen on (literally) deaf ears, as my "Coffee Information Evening for Geriatrics" was stupidly scheduled for a Friday, when the ABC broadcasts "Collectors" followed by "The Bill".

Attempts to discourage them from coming to the cafe by removing our wheel chair ramp failed when the milk supplier refused to carry crates of milk up the steps.

I am now researching health risks associated with drinking coffee in old age and intend to distribute a flyer to all retirement homes within a five kilometre radius.

Naked Lunch

While snooping around in the office again, I discovered that Caffe Cinque doesn't make a lot of money. In fact, this establishment owes a lot of money to a lot of people, mainly food and beverage suppliers, providers of gas and electricity, and the tax department.

While my Manager is away, I have decided to create a series of special events which will encourage people to spend their well earned cash at Caffe Cinque.

Until we are able to pay various outstanding bills, our menu is limited, but I have put a positive spin on this and had 3000 flyers printed at Kinko's, inviting local gourmands to The Annual Caffe Cinque Naked Lunch;

Caffe Cinque supports the Raw Food Movement with The Annual Caffe Cinque Naked Lunch.

Ethically sourced produce will be served raw and without condiments or flavour enhancers.

A three course meal will be followed by a forty five minute presentation on Caffe Cinque's recent efforts to protect the environment. This presentation will take place in the dark to save on electricity.

All proceeds of this event will go towards Caffe Cinque's Kinko's account, which I have managed to keep a secret so far.

Showing Initiative

While my Manager is away on stress leave again, I am making a few changes to the cafe to make it more upmarket, bringing a little bit of inner city chic to the suburbs;

I have enrolled in a wine appreciation course at the local CAE so I can add "sommelier" to my already impressive resume.

I have implemented a dress code between the hours of 11am and 2pm to discourage local trophy wives from dining in their track suits ( after flirting with their personal trainers in the park across the road)

From now on the balcony must always be referred to as the "Terrazzo." All cookies are to be referred to as "biscotti."

Cutlery is to be provided with all meals, this includes the Organic Beef Burger on Gluten Free Bread with Low Fat Mayonnaise.

I have replaced old copies of Womens' Weekly with Italian Vogue.

I have changed our hours of operation, opening at 10am instead of 7. This is more civilised and therefore more European.

Floor staff have been instructed to greet and farewell customers in Italian and to pronounce all beverages with Italian accents.

I am hoping to have a positive review of this new, improved dining establishment in The Epicure before my Manager returns.

New Girl

I spent most of today training the new girl. She doesn't know the difference between a macchiato and yesterday's muffin so I have my work cut out for me as her Personal Mentor.

We began with a quick tour of the premises, then I explained to her that under no circumstances is she allowed anywhere near the coffee machine and that she must keep a distance of three feet between herself and the Gaggia at all times. I then issued her with a copy of the Policies and Procedures Manual and told her that as her Personal Mentor I will be quizzing her on Chapters 1- 12 randomly during the week.

Tomorrow I intend to quiz her about the Three Second Rule. Most new recruits are lazy and I use this section to test if they are lying about having read the manual. At most dining establishments, food which is dropped may be retrieved within three seconds, unless seen by the general public. But at Caffe Cinque "the Three Second Rule is directly proportional to the value of goods dropped.'( Chapter 12, Section 3) which means food such as smoked salmon, semi dried tomatoes and brie must always be retrieved.

After closing, I stayed back to practice my coffee making skills for the upcoming Latte Art Competition in Moonee Ponds. Most baristas favour flora for their designs so I have decided to recreate the Mona Lisa. If I win I will most definitely ask for a pay rise.

Pay Discrepancy

This morning while snooping around in the office I discovered that the dish pig gets paid more than me.
I closed the cafe while I wrote a very angry letter to Management, reminding them that I am what's considered Skilled Labour. I had to do a three day course to learn how to use the Gaggia, where as the dishie just has to press a button on his machine. I rushed down the road to Kinko's (where I have an account) and made several copies which will be distributed to the appropriate media outlets.
I returned to the cafe to find someone from Fair Trade spruiking ethically sourced coffee beans to the wait staff. I offered him forty dollars for the Fair Trade sticker, which I have put on the front door. Now next time some well meaning hippie asks for Fair Trade I can charge them an extra four dollars for their soy latte.

Promotion

My first day as Head Barista at Caffe Cinque, an Italian style, European feel cafe/restaurant/bar in Melbourne. Not suprisingly, it was exactly the same as every other day at Caffe Cinque. This new positon does come with added responsibility however, and over the next few weeks I will be training my fellow employees in the art of espresso and customer service.

I am a writer.

I just make coffee to pay the rent.

My only published work to date is Caffe Cinque’s Policies and Procedure’s Manual, a 600 page epic loosely based on my favourite book, “Crime and Punishment”, but I have started work on a novella about my experiences as a barista; “The Gaggia From Behind”.

I have made approx. 40,000 coffees during my writing career. Mostly muggacinos.

When I arrived at the cafe this morning, after adjusting the grind and seasoning the machine, I threw out all of our mugs. As Head Barista I refuse to make another muggaccino. I intend to educate not only the staff but also our (dwindling) customer base about coffee and the correct way to drink it. Only one person complained about the lack of mugs, and I sent her to Gloria Jeans, where she belongs.