Back On The Gaggia

Spiro is leaving Caffe Cinque to represent Australia in the World Barista Championships in Seattle.
When he returns he plans to hire himself out to large corporations as a Coffee Consultant.

My Manager has taken her therapist's advice and found an interest outside of work, in order to create a healthy work/life balance and avoid another nervous break down. She has joined the local community theatre and is preparing to audition for their upcoming production of Agnes Of God. As she spends most her time in the office researching her character, I am free to run Front Of House as I see fit.

I am allowed back on the Gaggia if I promise to have the cafe open and ready for business at 7am everyday. I am not allowed to ban customers for mispronouncing "ciabatta" but I am permitted to charge extra for babycinos if the mothers leave their prams in the middle of the cafe.

Maimed

The dish pig stabbed me in the leg this morning, but claimed it was an accident.

While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, I managed to fill out an Accident Report Sheet. Under Cause Of Injury I wrote "Attempted Murder."

At the hospital, a "doctor" assured me that I have a superficial wound. I demanded to see his medical degree.

When I returned to the cafe, limping and in a great deal of pain, the dish pig reminded me that he knows where I live, so I have decided not to press charges.

However, knives are now prohibited at Caffe Cinque. As a result, we can only offer menu items which do not require cutting ( while eating or during preparation.)

This means we are only serving muffins and pre sliced toast until further notice. All condiments are to be spread with a spoon.

New Improved Crush

The Chadwick's model/waiter with the classic European features has informed me that he is in a serious relationship, so I had to fire him.

I have since developed a crush on a customer; "Latte With Two Sugars"

He is not my type at all and for a while I struggled to understand my attraction to him, eventually coming to the terrifying conclusion that I fancy him because he is polite. I have been working here so long that I am now fantasizing about someone because they can say please and thank you.

While taking his order this morning I casually mentioned that I am a writer and tomorrow I plan to casually write in my Moleskine in front of him.

"Free Range", "Organic" and Other Little White Lies

During this evening's Staff Training Session, I suggested that the New Girl draw on her skills as an actor to make our food more appetizing. I explained that waitressing is similar to acting, in that they both involve a fair amount of make believe, but that rather than learning an entire script, she should memorise a few key phrases popular here at Caffe Cinque;

"Home Made", "Gluten Free", "Low Fat", "No Fat", "99% Fat Free", "Skim Milk", "Organic", "Free Range" and my personal favourite; "Fresh."

I told her to go home and practice putting as many phrases as she can into one sentence, for example; " Would you like to try one of our home made organic gluten free choc chip muffins, 99% fat free, fresh today?"

Restraining Order

I have taken out a restraining order against the dish pig.

During the lunch rush, I struggle to stack dirty dishes the correct way; "Plates with plates, bowls with bowls, cutlery in the basket" (Policies and Procedures, Chapter 11, section 5)
This morning he claimed he was too busy to stack AND wash and threatened to slit my throat if I did not "match the shapes".

The dish pig is a classically trained actor with anger management issues.

He is permitted to stay at Caffe Cinque as long as he keeps his temper in check with weekly visits to a therapist. Before Caffe Cinque he was briefly employed at a call centre, but was fired for excessive use of the word "mate", as in "Don't hang up on me mate or I'll ram this fucking phone up your arse I know where you live mate."

One condition of the restraining order is that he must keep a distance of twenty feet from me at all times, which makes working the floor virtually impossible, so I have decided to supervise the wait staff from behind the drinks fridge, until Spiro leaves and I am reunited with my precious Gaggia.

Spiro

Tired of waiting for me to recover from my near death experience with the steam wand, my Manager pulled rank and hired a Replacement Barista.

Spiro is National Champion Barista three years running, latte art professional and all round top bloke. His two passions in life are coffee and fitness. He can do twenty two push ups in the twenty two seconds it takes to pour the perfect shot.

I hate him.

I have been relegated to the floor, where I must take orders, clear dishes and wipe tables with the New Girl.

Working the floor involves a lot of walking so I have insisted on a much longer lunch break, which I spend plotting Spiro's downfall and my Manager's slow and painful death.

Work Place Injury

I burnt my hand on the steam wand this morning, distracted by the Chadwick's model/waiter with the classic European Features.

I closed the cafe while I took a taxi to the nearest hospital, where I was assured I did not have second degree burns, and given a band aid.

I will be dictating amendments to the Policies and Procedures Manual to the New Girl until I am able to write again.
Caffe Cinque will not be serving coffee until I am well enough to use the Gaggia.

I will also be attending trauma counselling to help me overcome my fear of steam, and have contacted A Current Affair, suggesting a segment about Occupational Health and Safety in the Hospitality Industry.

The hospital refused to give me any medication, so I have pilfered some of my Manager's to help me cope with the pain.