New Year's Resolution

As this year draws to a close, I have decided to turn over a new leaf.

Recent attempts to find employment elsewhere have taught me that Caffe Cinque is not a bad place to work, and I intend to take my job as Head Barista seriously from now on.

Rather than lecture the other staff, I will lead by example;

I will not ignore customers because they are ugly, fat, or badly attired.

I will not reprimand customers for ordering their coffee incorrectly.

I will not drink Shiraz before 10am.

I will educate the staff about coffee by implementing a new, improved Training Program. As part of this training we will spend one day a week researching the competition, learning from and stealing ideas from cafes all over Melbourne.

As a result, Caffe Cinque will not open until 11am on Mondays.

There's No Place Like Home

Rather than wait for a reply to my Letter of Reinstatement, I simply went back to work as though nothing had happened.

I returned to Caffe Cinque to find my Manager was away on stress leave again, recovering from her recent, disasterous foray into amateur theatre.

The New Girl had almost finished assembling my ergonomic chair, and the dish pig was back, having been fired from the set of Home and Away for threatening the director with a large, unspecified prop.

After paying the Kinko's bill, the cafe couldn't afford a Position Vacant ad on Seek.com, so had not yet replaced me. Instead, the floor staff had been attempting to make coffee during my absence.

My Gaggia had been violated.

I closed the cafe while I adjusted the grind, then made an urgent call to our coffee supplier, demanding they send a technician out immediately to service the machine.

I spent the rest of the afternoon dictating ammendments to the Policies and Procedures Manual and adjusting my time sheet so that I will still be payed for my week away.

Reinstatement

To Whom It May Concern,

Certain information has come to light re; job prospects, or lack thereof, and in light of this information I have decided to return to Caffe Cinque Cafe/Restaurant/Bar.

Please disregard my previous letter of resignation, and accept my sincere apologies for any inconvenience caused by my recent absence.

I will resume my duties at the aforementioned establishment early next week.

Under no circumstances is anyone else to use the Gaggia upon my return.

Regards,

Paul Whelan.
Head Barista.

Job Search Part Five.

According to several coffee publications, one of the best places to get a short mac these days is a funky little cafe near South Yarra train station. I decided to drop in and give them a copy of my CV, which I have had to edit down to six pages now that Caffe Cinque is no longer paying for my photo copying.

This funky little cafe looked like a funky little science lab in an Ikea catalogue; industrial furniture, floor to ceiling glass and just the right amount of colour. I was surrounded by vintage coffee machines and beautiful people sipping espresso.

The staff were young and hip and seemed happy to be there.

The barista back washed after every shot and described coffee the way I had been taught to describe wine at the CAE.

No one wore a uniform, no one yelled at the customers, no one was scared of the dish pig.

I had died and gone to Heaven.

But...I realised that if worked here, I would have to work. There is nowhere to hide if you want to make a quick phone call or work on your novella. There is nowhere to hide if you want to read the Epicure from cover to cover in case you get a mention.

Worse than that, I would have to work with someone who knew more about coffee than I did, and while I might learn something, I would never be Head Barista, I probably wouldn't even be allowed on the coffee machine.

I finished my sweet, fruity, full bodied ristretto and left, depressed in the knowledge that the only place I would be happy working is Caffe Cinque Cafe/Restaurant/Bar.

Job Search Part 4: Hole in the wall, no toilet.

It is a well known fact that the best coffee in Melbourne is to be found in the many dark alleys and lane ways in the city.

Melbournians believe that coffee can only be enjoyed if you drink it from a second hand tea cup sitting on a milk crate, between a rubbish dumpster and some stencil art.

After answering yet another ad on Seek.com, I was invited to do a trial at a cafe with no fixed address, but was told I could find it if I turned left at the end of Hardware Lane and walked for approx. five minutes, or until I passed a huge graffitied recycling bin.

Due to the lack of storage space, I was advised not to bring a bag.

Although everyone was very friendly, their lack of protocol worried me. If I were to take the job, there was no where to put the Policies and Procedures Manual. If I wanted to go to the toilet I would have to walk down another alley and up a flight of stairs, to a bathroom shared with some squatters in the building next door.

And because there was no room for a dish pig, I would have to wash the dishes myself.

Horrified, I declined the job offer ( twelve dollars cash in hand) and drowned my sorrows in a tiny bar in an alley just off Meyers Place, between a rubbish dumpster and some stencil art.

Job Search Part 3: Soup Kitchen

Figuring that the homeless and destitute are grateful for whatever they can get and are therefore less demanding, I applied for a job in a soup kitchen.

Although the ad stated they were looking for a Catering Manager, I decided to go along to the interview and present myself as a coffee aficionado, someone who can educate the less fortunate members of our society about espresso.

I also mentioned my wine appreciation course and offered my services as Sommelier during Christmas Lunch, provided they pay me time and a half.

The Manager informed me that they were looking for someone with more experience in a similar field, but that she would keep my resume for future reference.

On my way out I noticed that they didn't even have a coffee machine, just an industrial size tin of International Roast.

Job Search Part 2: Food Court

Undeterred by yesterday's setback, I answered the following ad this morning;

The perfect shift! Days only, no nights, no weekends.
Energetic, friendly and experienced barista required for busy suburban cafe.
Excellent conditions, dynamic team environment, free parking.

I decided that my wealth of experience more than made up for the fact that I was neither energetic nor friendly and called to arrange a trial.

Upon arrival I discovered that the "dynamic team environment" consisted of the owner, his mother, and three underpaid adolescents, who didn't seem to mind that the "cafe" was in a food court.

I wouldn't eat in a food court, let alone work in one. I have an aversion to fluorescent lighting, musak and communal dining. I explained this to the owner, aswell as my views on muggaccinos and flavoured lattes and got the hell out of there.

Job Search Part 1: Coffee Cart

I have spent the last few days looking for a new job, which is harder than I expected.

Although there are thousands of jobs on Seek.com, after crossing out any ad containing the words "team player", "all rounder" and "Gloria Jean's", only one remained;

Wanted:
Experienced barista for full time work in fast paced environment.
Funky inner city location.
Remuneration to be discussed.

After a brief interview, I arranged to do a trial, but upon arrival discovered that the "funky inner city location" was a coffee cart at Melbourne Central.

I explained to the owner that I was not comfortable being so exposed to the elements and the general public and that I would need to discuss my remuneration before getting on the machine (which wasn't a Gaggia.)

He asked me to leave and I said that I would be reporting him to Seek.com for false advertising, as there is nothing funky about making take away coffee on a train station concourse.

Resignation

My lawyer has advised me that a written warning is not grounds for a law suit, so I spent most of the afternoon dictating my letter of resignation to the new girl:

To Whom It May Concern,

Certain information has come to light re written warnings, and in light of this information I feel I can no longer partake in the undertakings of Caffe Cinque Cafe/Restaurant/Bar.

I, the undersigned, do solemnly declare my resignation from the aforementioned establishment.

It is with great regret that I give you my two weeks notice, effective immediately.

Regards,

Paul Whelan.

I have made another appointment with Legal Aid to discuss copyright issues surrounding the Policies and Procedures Manual.

Written Warning

After lunch today, I was summoned to the office where my Manager accused me of jeopardizing the cafe with my so called "dysfunctional behaviour."

She claimed that she had no choice but to issue me with a written warning, outlining all the things I have done to discourage people from dining at Caffe Cinque. She also presented me with a spread sheet claiming that my Kinko's bill exceeded the cafe's gross profit over the last two months, and that my pay will be docked accordingly.

Naturally, I intend to refute the accusations and sue her for defamation. I have a meeting with Legal Aid tomorrow.

Celebrity Diner

The blonde girl who was eliminated in the third week of the second season of Big Brother came in today.

The wait staff were very excited but I pretended not to recognise her. I am a bit of a celebrity myself, having been the face of Barista's Own Performance Milk last year. I appeared in advertisements in three issues of Crema magazine but when I tried to increase my fee was replaced by some latte art.

She tried to order a skinny chai latte and I politely informed her that skim milk is for fat people and chai is for hippies, and that we don't serve fat people or hippies at Caffe Cinque, even if they are famous.

Home and Away

The dish pig has been offered a part on Home and Away as the dish washer in the Summer Bay Diner.

His mother is disappointed, as she would prefer to see her son play a doctor or a lawyer. He has decided not to tell her that his character is an illegal immigrant whose plans to blow up Summer Bay are foiled by the little runt from the surf club.

As it is a small role, he will only be away for a short time. Grateful for the break, I have decided not to take my chances on another dish pig, and have instructed staff to throw all dirty dishes in the bin until he returns.

Christmas Party

Due to budgetary constraints, the Caffe Cinque Annual Christmas Party will be held at Caffe Cinque.

Staff have been instructed to "bring a plate." Partners are welcome to attend provided they also bring their own refreshments.

As we cannot afford to hire a karaoke machine this year, I will be reading from my as yet unpublished novella, "The Gaggia From Behind." I have made a few photocopies of the first draft, which I intend to sign and distribute as Christmas gifts.

I am in two minds about inviting Latte With Two Sugars. I might casually mention the event tomorrow morning, as I casually brush his hand passing him his coffee.

Portion Control

My ergonomic chair arrived this morning, unassembled, in a box with a forty page instruction booklet and a set of allen keys. The New Girl has spent the last six hours trying to put it together.

The cost of the chair is bound to be an issue at some point, so I have instructed all staff to follow my new Portion Control Guidelines to save a few dollars;

All San Pellegrino mineral water bottles are to be recycled, refilled with tap water, and resold.

We are only serving open sandwiches.

Napkins and toilet paper are available upon request (two sheets per customer per visit)

Under no circumstances is food to be served with a garnish.

All staff meals are suspended until further notice.

Quality Control

As Head Barista at Caffe Cinque, it is my duty to ensure that every cup of coffee served here is of the highest possible standard.

Which is why I am also the only barista at Caffe Cinque.

To prevent the other, less talented staff from man handling the Gaggia, I take the milk jugs and the group handles with me during my break. Regular customers know not to order coffee between 11.30 and 12.00 unless they are prepared to wait for me to finish my lunch. This also helps to ensure the quality of our clientele, as only those who truly appreciate good coffee are prepared to wait.

I know it is only a matter of time before my Manager has an issue with this, so I have taken the liberty of ordering an ergonomic chair from Denmark, which I intend to place in front of the Gaggia, so I can rest and make coffee at the same time.

Fusion

Over the past few weeks I have caught many of our regular customers eating at the sushi bar across the road.

Although I feel like a jilted lover, I understand the need for variety in their diet, and have made a few small changes to our menu to lure them back to Caffe Cinque.

The following ad was placed on Seek.com this morning;

Wanted.
Spring Roll Technician for Italian Style, European Feel, Fusion Cafe/ Restaurant/Bar.
Must look authentic.

If You See Something, Say Something

Rather than admit I was hungover and too sick to work this morning, I left an old back pack from Lost Property under table six for an hour, then called Terrorist Hotline Australia.

The cafe was closed while police did a thorough search of the premises. Although they found no evidence of terrorist activity, they did find a few questionable things in the kitchen, and suggested we remain closed for the rest of the day while we gave the place a good clean.

Staff Training

Having completed my Wine Appreciation course at the local CAE, I have decided to change Caffe Cinque's wine list to complement our new menu. I have ordered samples from several wine suppliers and will be holding wine tasting sessions with my flat mate over the next few weeks.

The New Girl is showing little sign of improvement so I have increased our staff training sessions from once a fortnight to twice a week.

Tonight's session is based on Chapter 12 of the Policies and Procedures Manual; "Using Knowledge To Build Customer Trust, Loyalty and Sales." A recent medical study has revealed that "coffee consumption may be associated with decreased risk of endometrial cancer among women of excessive body weight." I have had several pamphlets printed with this valuable information, which the New Girl is to distribute amongst our larger female customers, which should result in increased coffee sales.

The Raven

Monday morning, cold and dreary, I stand before you, weak and weary
Wandering how much wine I may have had the night before
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at the cafe door.
'Tis some customer I suspect, tapping at the cafe door
Opening is such a chore.

Read the sign! We open at seven!

Ah, distinctly I remember, a cask of red, a weekend bender,
I do my utmost not to heave upon the floor,
Eagerly I wished the morrow, but in vain for with great sorrow
do I realise I must remain here evermore. Or at least till half past four.

Two short blacks, my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore,
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my cafe door
That I scarce was sure I heard you."
Here I opened wide the door.
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there wondering,
fearing
that I'd agreed to work all day and then all night,
But the silence was unbroken and the darkness gave no token, And the only words there spoken were the whispered words "Flat White."

Please would be nice. Flat white please.

Back into the cafe turning, cab sav merlot reflux burning
Soon again I heard the tapping somewhat louder then before.
"Surely you can wait a second,
till I season the machine, you reckon?
You are a heathen and a pest, and nothing more!"

Furious, I flung the shutter, yelled abuse towards the gutter when
In there stepped a man unshaven, and he sat at table four.
Not the least apology made he, not a "sorry" or "excuse me"
He just made himself at home at table four.
Sat and waited by the door, with The Herald Sun, what's more.

Much I marvelled this ungainly man to hear discourse so plainly,
Though his demand did offend I remained professionally polite,
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Blessed with such a fine upbringing would ever dare to start a fight
So politely I did boast that "we also offer toast"
To which he impolitely asked, with such a tone, for a Flat White.

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so laymen spoken,
"Your monosyllabic Neanderthal tongue's a bore.
However I will inform you and I feel that I must warn you
If you continue to be a prick I will show you to the door.

Ignoramus! Thing of evil! Heathen scum, you are the devil!
I fell my pedigree must now be brought to light.
I'm a writer! I am a writer! You have offended this country's future Patrick White!
I pull shots eight hours a day, though it barely pays my way
And in my spare time, if inspired, I write!"
He just looked at me, smiled, and said "Flat White."

"Be those words our sign of parting, Vermin Scum!" I shrieked upstarting
"Get thee back to where you were not long before!
Leave a big tip as a token of the only words you've spoken
Leave my loneliness unbroken! Excuse yourself from table four!"
He didn't hear a word I'm sure.

And this man, never flitting, still is sitting, yes, still sitting
And may very well stay seated at that table till tonight
For although I'm paid to serve, this is more than I deserve,
My sanity I must preserve,
So fuck him, and his Flat White.

With thanks to Paul Whelan and Edgar Allen Poe.

Back On The Gaggia

Spiro is leaving Caffe Cinque to represent Australia in the World Barista Championships in Seattle.
When he returns he plans to hire himself out to large corporations as a Coffee Consultant.

My Manager has taken her therapist's advice and found an interest outside of work, in order to create a healthy work/life balance and avoid another nervous break down. She has joined the local community theatre and is preparing to audition for their upcoming production of Agnes Of God. As she spends most her time in the office researching her character, I am free to run Front Of House as I see fit.

I am allowed back on the Gaggia if I promise to have the cafe open and ready for business at 7am everyday. I am not allowed to ban customers for mispronouncing "ciabatta" but I am permitted to charge extra for babycinos if the mothers leave their prams in the middle of the cafe.

Maimed

The dish pig stabbed me in the leg this morning, but claimed it was an accident.

While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, I managed to fill out an Accident Report Sheet. Under Cause Of Injury I wrote "Attempted Murder."

At the hospital, a "doctor" assured me that I have a superficial wound. I demanded to see his medical degree.

When I returned to the cafe, limping and in a great deal of pain, the dish pig reminded me that he knows where I live, so I have decided not to press charges.

However, knives are now prohibited at Caffe Cinque. As a result, we can only offer menu items which do not require cutting ( while eating or during preparation.)

This means we are only serving muffins and pre sliced toast until further notice. All condiments are to be spread with a spoon.

New Improved Crush

The Chadwick's model/waiter with the classic European features has informed me that he is in a serious relationship, so I had to fire him.

I have since developed a crush on a customer; "Latte With Two Sugars"

He is not my type at all and for a while I struggled to understand my attraction to him, eventually coming to the terrifying conclusion that I fancy him because he is polite. I have been working here so long that I am now fantasizing about someone because they can say please and thank you.

While taking his order this morning I casually mentioned that I am a writer and tomorrow I plan to casually write in my Moleskine in front of him.

"Free Range", "Organic" and Other Little White Lies

During this evening's Staff Training Session, I suggested that the New Girl draw on her skills as an actor to make our food more appetizing. I explained that waitressing is similar to acting, in that they both involve a fair amount of make believe, but that rather than learning an entire script, she should memorise a few key phrases popular here at Caffe Cinque;

"Home Made", "Gluten Free", "Low Fat", "No Fat", "99% Fat Free", "Skim Milk", "Organic", "Free Range" and my personal favourite; "Fresh."

I told her to go home and practice putting as many phrases as she can into one sentence, for example; " Would you like to try one of our home made organic gluten free choc chip muffins, 99% fat free, fresh today?"

Restraining Order

I have taken out a restraining order against the dish pig.

During the lunch rush, I struggle to stack dirty dishes the correct way; "Plates with plates, bowls with bowls, cutlery in the basket" (Policies and Procedures, Chapter 11, section 5)
This morning he claimed he was too busy to stack AND wash and threatened to slit my throat if I did not "match the shapes".

The dish pig is a classically trained actor with anger management issues.

He is permitted to stay at Caffe Cinque as long as he keeps his temper in check with weekly visits to a therapist. Before Caffe Cinque he was briefly employed at a call centre, but was fired for excessive use of the word "mate", as in "Don't hang up on me mate or I'll ram this fucking phone up your arse I know where you live mate."

One condition of the restraining order is that he must keep a distance of twenty feet from me at all times, which makes working the floor virtually impossible, so I have decided to supervise the wait staff from behind the drinks fridge, until Spiro leaves and I am reunited with my precious Gaggia.

Spiro

Tired of waiting for me to recover from my near death experience with the steam wand, my Manager pulled rank and hired a Replacement Barista.

Spiro is National Champion Barista three years running, latte art professional and all round top bloke. His two passions in life are coffee and fitness. He can do twenty two push ups in the twenty two seconds it takes to pour the perfect shot.

I hate him.

I have been relegated to the floor, where I must take orders, clear dishes and wipe tables with the New Girl.

Working the floor involves a lot of walking so I have insisted on a much longer lunch break, which I spend plotting Spiro's downfall and my Manager's slow and painful death.

Work Place Injury

I burnt my hand on the steam wand this morning, distracted by the Chadwick's model/waiter with the classic European Features.

I closed the cafe while I took a taxi to the nearest hospital, where I was assured I did not have second degree burns, and given a band aid.

I will be dictating amendments to the Policies and Procedures Manual to the New Girl until I am able to write again.
Caffe Cinque will not be serving coffee until I am well enough to use the Gaggia.

I will also be attending trauma counselling to help me overcome my fear of steam, and have contacted A Current Affair, suggesting a segment about Occupational Health and Safety in the Hospitality Industry.

The hospital refused to give me any medication, so I have pilfered some of my Manager's to help me cope with the pain.

Crush

My Manager returned to work today, heavily medicated and therefore not too concerned about the sign I have placed next to the register;

"No Skim No Soy Not Sorry."

She didn't notice that I payed myself 25 hours overtime for editing the Policies and Procedures Manual, and didn't care that rather than placing an ad on Seek.com for new wait staff, I simply called Chadwick's Model Management and asked them to send over three people with classic European features. Obviously their hourly rate is quite high but we make it back in tips.

I have developed a crush on one of these models so will be omitting Chapter 13 from Policies and Procedures, titled "Workplace Romance = Instant Dismissal."

You say Tomato, I say Vine Ripened Semi Dried Tuscan Pomodoro.

The new menu is finalised and we are now serving food to complement our Italian Style, European feel decor. The chef was reluctant to make any changes while the Manager is away but I threatened to report him to immigration if he didn't learn some new recipes.

The new girl has asked for some time off so she can attend an audition, which I refused, referring her to the Policies and Procedures Manual, Chapter One Section Two;

"Any secondary employment must take second priority to all existing job requirements of Caffe Cinque."

I also insisted that she learn some basic Italian so she can pronounce our drinks list, rather than referring to the Limonata as "the yellow drink" and Chinotto as "the brown one."

Some Like It Hot

"Coffee is best served between 60 and 70 degrees celsius."
( Policies and Procedures, Chapter Three, Section Two)

Once a week Caffe Cinque is over run with pensioners who insist that their lattes with no froth are served piping hot, so that I burn my hand placing the glasses on the saucers.

Attempts to educate them about coffee have fallen on (literally) deaf ears, as my "Coffee Information Evening for Geriatrics" was stupidly scheduled for a Friday, when the ABC broadcasts "Collectors" followed by "The Bill".

Attempts to discourage them from coming to the cafe by removing our wheel chair ramp failed when the milk supplier refused to carry crates of milk up the steps.

I am now researching health risks associated with drinking coffee in old age and intend to distribute a flyer to all retirement homes within a five kilometre radius.

Naked Lunch

While snooping around in the office again, I discovered that Caffe Cinque doesn't make a lot of money. In fact, this establishment owes a lot of money to a lot of people, mainly food and beverage suppliers, providers of gas and electricity, and the tax department.

While my Manager is away, I have decided to create a series of special events which will encourage people to spend their well earned cash at Caffe Cinque.

Until we are able to pay various outstanding bills, our menu is limited, but I have put a positive spin on this and had 3000 flyers printed at Kinko's, inviting local gourmands to The Annual Caffe Cinque Naked Lunch;

Caffe Cinque supports the Raw Food Movement with The Annual Caffe Cinque Naked Lunch.

Ethically sourced produce will be served raw and without condiments or flavour enhancers.

A three course meal will be followed by a forty five minute presentation on Caffe Cinque's recent efforts to protect the environment. This presentation will take place in the dark to save on electricity.

All proceeds of this event will go towards Caffe Cinque's Kinko's account, which I have managed to keep a secret so far.

Showing Initiative

While my Manager is away on stress leave again, I am making a few changes to the cafe to make it more upmarket, bringing a little bit of inner city chic to the suburbs;

I have enrolled in a wine appreciation course at the local CAE so I can add "sommelier" to my already impressive resume.

I have implemented a dress code between the hours of 11am and 2pm to discourage local trophy wives from dining in their track suits ( after flirting with their personal trainers in the park across the road)

From now on the balcony must always be referred to as the "Terrazzo." All cookies are to be referred to as "biscotti."

Cutlery is to be provided with all meals, this includes the Organic Beef Burger on Gluten Free Bread with Low Fat Mayonnaise.

I have replaced old copies of Womens' Weekly with Italian Vogue.

I have changed our hours of operation, opening at 10am instead of 7. This is more civilised and therefore more European.

Floor staff have been instructed to greet and farewell customers in Italian and to pronounce all beverages with Italian accents.

I am hoping to have a positive review of this new, improved dining establishment in The Epicure before my Manager returns.

New Girl

I spent most of today training the new girl. She doesn't know the difference between a macchiato and yesterday's muffin so I have my work cut out for me as her Personal Mentor.

We began with a quick tour of the premises, then I explained to her that under no circumstances is she allowed anywhere near the coffee machine and that she must keep a distance of three feet between herself and the Gaggia at all times. I then issued her with a copy of the Policies and Procedures Manual and told her that as her Personal Mentor I will be quizzing her on Chapters 1- 12 randomly during the week.

Tomorrow I intend to quiz her about the Three Second Rule. Most new recruits are lazy and I use this section to test if they are lying about having read the manual. At most dining establishments, food which is dropped may be retrieved within three seconds, unless seen by the general public. But at Caffe Cinque "the Three Second Rule is directly proportional to the value of goods dropped.'( Chapter 12, Section 3) which means food such as smoked salmon, semi dried tomatoes and brie must always be retrieved.

After closing, I stayed back to practice my coffee making skills for the upcoming Latte Art Competition in Moonee Ponds. Most baristas favour flora for their designs so I have decided to recreate the Mona Lisa. If I win I will most definitely ask for a pay rise.

Pay Discrepancy

This morning while snooping around in the office I discovered that the dish pig gets paid more than me.
I closed the cafe while I wrote a very angry letter to Management, reminding them that I am what's considered Skilled Labour. I had to do a three day course to learn how to use the Gaggia, where as the dishie just has to press a button on his machine. I rushed down the road to Kinko's (where I have an account) and made several copies which will be distributed to the appropriate media outlets.
I returned to the cafe to find someone from Fair Trade spruiking ethically sourced coffee beans to the wait staff. I offered him forty dollars for the Fair Trade sticker, which I have put on the front door. Now next time some well meaning hippie asks for Fair Trade I can charge them an extra four dollars for their soy latte.

Promotion

My first day as Head Barista at Caffe Cinque, an Italian style, European feel cafe/restaurant/bar in Melbourne. Not suprisingly, it was exactly the same as every other day at Caffe Cinque. This new positon does come with added responsibility however, and over the next few weeks I will be training my fellow employees in the art of espresso and customer service.

I am a writer.

I just make coffee to pay the rent.

My only published work to date is Caffe Cinque’s Policies and Procedure’s Manual, a 600 page epic loosely based on my favourite book, “Crime and Punishment”, but I have started work on a novella about my experiences as a barista; “The Gaggia From Behind”.

I have made approx. 40,000 coffees during my writing career. Mostly muggacinos.

When I arrived at the cafe this morning, after adjusting the grind and seasoning the machine, I threw out all of our mugs. As Head Barista I refuse to make another muggaccino. I intend to educate not only the staff but also our (dwindling) customer base about coffee and the correct way to drink it. Only one person complained about the lack of mugs, and I sent her to Gloria Jeans, where she belongs.