Note to staff:
As the chef is going through a bitter divorce and refuses to create a special Valentine's Day dish, existing menu items should be described as "share plates" to any customers resembling a happy couple this Sunday. There is a minimum order of two share plates per couple.
The communal table in the middle of the cafe has been reserved for Caffe Cinque's Annual Valentine's Day Speed Dating Brunch.
Customers wishing to reserve a seat at this table must apply to me in person and provide two recent colour photographs and fill out a form explaining why they are single.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Man Versus Child
As we are situated in one of Melbourne's more affluent suburbs, most of our customers are stay at home mums with nothing better to do than terrorize the staff at their local cafe.
Blonde, tanned, and on the wrong side of forty, they travel in packs carrying designer bags, designer dogs, and worst of all, Designer Babies.
Caffe Cinque is not a child friendly establishment. We do not provide high chairs. We do not allow prams inside the cafe, even when it's raining. We do not have a children's menu and while my Manager is still away, a Babycino costs $8.95.
Still, these women insist on turning Caffe Cinque into a mini day care centre, where they can let Little Anabella/Arabella/Isabella run wild and throw food on the floor while they sip their skinny lattes and bitch about the service.
In a last ditch effort to discourage their patronage, I have taken to wearing a home made paedophile's satellite tracking device during the day, which beeps when I stand within two metres of an oversized pram.
Blonde, tanned, and on the wrong side of forty, they travel in packs carrying designer bags, designer dogs, and worst of all, Designer Babies.
Caffe Cinque is not a child friendly establishment. We do not provide high chairs. We do not allow prams inside the cafe, even when it's raining. We do not have a children's menu and while my Manager is still away, a Babycino costs $8.95.
Still, these women insist on turning Caffe Cinque into a mini day care centre, where they can let Little Anabella/Arabella/Isabella run wild and throw food on the floor while they sip their skinny lattes and bitch about the service.
In a last ditch effort to discourage their patronage, I have taken to wearing a home made paedophile's satellite tracking device during the day, which beeps when I stand within two metres of an oversized pram.
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