New Year's Resolution

As this year draws to a close, I have decided to turn over a new leaf.

Recent attempts to find employment elsewhere have taught me that Caffe Cinque is not a bad place to work, and I intend to take my job as Head Barista seriously from now on.

Rather than lecture the other staff, I will lead by example;

I will not ignore customers because they are ugly, fat, or badly attired.

I will not reprimand customers for ordering their coffee incorrectly.

I will not drink Shiraz before 10am.

I will educate the staff about coffee by implementing a new, improved Training Program. As part of this training we will spend one day a week researching the competition, learning from and stealing ideas from cafes all over Melbourne.

As a result, Caffe Cinque will not open until 11am on Mondays.

There's No Place Like Home

Rather than wait for a reply to my Letter of Reinstatement, I simply went back to work as though nothing had happened.

I returned to Caffe Cinque to find my Manager was away on stress leave again, recovering from her recent, disasterous foray into amateur theatre.

The New Girl had almost finished assembling my ergonomic chair, and the dish pig was back, having been fired from the set of Home and Away for threatening the director with a large, unspecified prop.

After paying the Kinko's bill, the cafe couldn't afford a Position Vacant ad on Seek.com, so had not yet replaced me. Instead, the floor staff had been attempting to make coffee during my absence.

My Gaggia had been violated.

I closed the cafe while I adjusted the grind, then made an urgent call to our coffee supplier, demanding they send a technician out immediately to service the machine.

I spent the rest of the afternoon dictating ammendments to the Policies and Procedures Manual and adjusting my time sheet so that I will still be payed for my week away.

Reinstatement

To Whom It May Concern,

Certain information has come to light re; job prospects, or lack thereof, and in light of this information I have decided to return to Caffe Cinque Cafe/Restaurant/Bar.

Please disregard my previous letter of resignation, and accept my sincere apologies for any inconvenience caused by my recent absence.

I will resume my duties at the aforementioned establishment early next week.

Under no circumstances is anyone else to use the Gaggia upon my return.

Regards,

Paul Whelan.
Head Barista.

Job Search Part Five.

According to several coffee publications, one of the best places to get a short mac these days is a funky little cafe near South Yarra train station. I decided to drop in and give them a copy of my CV, which I have had to edit down to six pages now that Caffe Cinque is no longer paying for my photo copying.

This funky little cafe looked like a funky little science lab in an Ikea catalogue; industrial furniture, floor to ceiling glass and just the right amount of colour. I was surrounded by vintage coffee machines and beautiful people sipping espresso.

The staff were young and hip and seemed happy to be there.

The barista back washed after every shot and described coffee the way I had been taught to describe wine at the CAE.

No one wore a uniform, no one yelled at the customers, no one was scared of the dish pig.

I had died and gone to Heaven.

But...I realised that if worked here, I would have to work. There is nowhere to hide if you want to make a quick phone call or work on your novella. There is nowhere to hide if you want to read the Epicure from cover to cover in case you get a mention.

Worse than that, I would have to work with someone who knew more about coffee than I did, and while I might learn something, I would never be Head Barista, I probably wouldn't even be allowed on the coffee machine.

I finished my sweet, fruity, full bodied ristretto and left, depressed in the knowledge that the only place I would be happy working is Caffe Cinque Cafe/Restaurant/Bar.

Job Search Part 4: Hole in the wall, no toilet.

It is a well known fact that the best coffee in Melbourne is to be found in the many dark alleys and lane ways in the city.

Melbournians believe that coffee can only be enjoyed if you drink it from a second hand tea cup sitting on a milk crate, between a rubbish dumpster and some stencil art.

After answering yet another ad on Seek.com, I was invited to do a trial at a cafe with no fixed address, but was told I could find it if I turned left at the end of Hardware Lane and walked for approx. five minutes, or until I passed a huge graffitied recycling bin.

Due to the lack of storage space, I was advised not to bring a bag.

Although everyone was very friendly, their lack of protocol worried me. If I were to take the job, there was no where to put the Policies and Procedures Manual. If I wanted to go to the toilet I would have to walk down another alley and up a flight of stairs, to a bathroom shared with some squatters in the building next door.

And because there was no room for a dish pig, I would have to wash the dishes myself.

Horrified, I declined the job offer ( twelve dollars cash in hand) and drowned my sorrows in a tiny bar in an alley just off Meyers Place, between a rubbish dumpster and some stencil art.

Job Search Part 3: Soup Kitchen

Figuring that the homeless and destitute are grateful for whatever they can get and are therefore less demanding, I applied for a job in a soup kitchen.

Although the ad stated they were looking for a Catering Manager, I decided to go along to the interview and present myself as a coffee aficionado, someone who can educate the less fortunate members of our society about espresso.

I also mentioned my wine appreciation course and offered my services as Sommelier during Christmas Lunch, provided they pay me time and a half.

The Manager informed me that they were looking for someone with more experience in a similar field, but that she would keep my resume for future reference.

On my way out I noticed that they didn't even have a coffee machine, just an industrial size tin of International Roast.

Job Search Part 2: Food Court

Undeterred by yesterday's setback, I answered the following ad this morning;

The perfect shift! Days only, no nights, no weekends.
Energetic, friendly and experienced barista required for busy suburban cafe.
Excellent conditions, dynamic team environment, free parking.

I decided that my wealth of experience more than made up for the fact that I was neither energetic nor friendly and called to arrange a trial.

Upon arrival I discovered that the "dynamic team environment" consisted of the owner, his mother, and three underpaid adolescents, who didn't seem to mind that the "cafe" was in a food court.

I wouldn't eat in a food court, let alone work in one. I have an aversion to fluorescent lighting, musak and communal dining. I explained this to the owner, aswell as my views on muggaccinos and flavoured lattes and got the hell out of there.

Job Search Part 1: Coffee Cart

I have spent the last few days looking for a new job, which is harder than I expected.

Although there are thousands of jobs on Seek.com, after crossing out any ad containing the words "team player", "all rounder" and "Gloria Jean's", only one remained;

Wanted:
Experienced barista for full time work in fast paced environment.
Funky inner city location.
Remuneration to be discussed.

After a brief interview, I arranged to do a trial, but upon arrival discovered that the "funky inner city location" was a coffee cart at Melbourne Central.

I explained to the owner that I was not comfortable being so exposed to the elements and the general public and that I would need to discuss my remuneration before getting on the machine (which wasn't a Gaggia.)

He asked me to leave and I said that I would be reporting him to Seek.com for false advertising, as there is nothing funky about making take away coffee on a train station concourse.

Resignation

My lawyer has advised me that a written warning is not grounds for a law suit, so I spent most of the afternoon dictating my letter of resignation to the new girl:

To Whom It May Concern,

Certain information has come to light re written warnings, and in light of this information I feel I can no longer partake in the undertakings of Caffe Cinque Cafe/Restaurant/Bar.

I, the undersigned, do solemnly declare my resignation from the aforementioned establishment.

It is with great regret that I give you my two weeks notice, effective immediately.

Regards,

Paul Whelan.

I have made another appointment with Legal Aid to discuss copyright issues surrounding the Policies and Procedures Manual.

Written Warning

After lunch today, I was summoned to the office where my Manager accused me of jeopardizing the cafe with my so called "dysfunctional behaviour."

She claimed that she had no choice but to issue me with a written warning, outlining all the things I have done to discourage people from dining at Caffe Cinque. She also presented me with a spread sheet claiming that my Kinko's bill exceeded the cafe's gross profit over the last two months, and that my pay will be docked accordingly.

Naturally, I intend to refute the accusations and sue her for defamation. I have a meeting with Legal Aid tomorrow.