Blackmail

It turns out that the " highly adaptable self motivated passionate creative team players" that I am now forced to work with are also highly promiscuous.

While dutifully placing used, reusable recyclable 100% biodegradable over sized paper cups into the recycling bin out the back, I stumbled upon the District Manager and the new Shift Supervisor engaging in some rather questionable Team Bonding exercises.

I pretended not to notice, helped myself to some petty cash, and bought a small video camera which has been installed out the back. All incriminating footage will be used to assist me in my quest to obtain a promotion and/ or financial compensation for the emotional trauma caused by seeing my Shift Supervisor in nothing but a green apron.

Rude Shock

As my new employers prefer to serve their over sized flavoured beverages in reusable recyclable 100% biodegradable paper cups, there is no need for a dish washer.

The dish pig, never one to miss an opportunity to make my life hell, has answered their call for "adaptable self motivated, passionate, creative team players" and after under going their Accelerated Staff Management Program, will be my new boss.

During a break from our Team Building Exercises this morning, he quietly informed me of his plans to make my life fucking miserable, one cup at a time.

Hostile Takeover

In order to post bail, my boss has sold Caffe Cinque to a well known coffee chain.

While the cafe is being refurbished with funky light fittings and beige couches, I have been forced to attend Staff Training, a series of "fun" team building exercises and informative lectures about the way in which this amazing coffee company is "inspiring and nurturing the human spirit, one cup at a time."

During these sessions I am referred to as a "partner" in the company, but have been informed that I will still be treated like a regular employee.

I have also been informed that my Policies and Procedures Manual is no longer required, and that my beloved Gaggia will be replaced a bigger, better machine.

I must wear a green apron and be nice to the customers.
I must make flavoured beverages in over sized take away cups.
I must listen to Norah Jones.

I have decided not to quit until I am up to date on the rent, but have postponed work on "The Gaggia From Behind" in order to write a tell all book about the inner workings of the Rain Forest Alliance.

Sabbatical

Due to reasons I cannot disclose, Caffe Cinque has been closed for several weeks. The owner of the cafe resides in Barwon Prison until he can post bail.

I have taken advantage of the situation, and after a brief sojourn in Fiji with the money I found under the floorboards in the office, I have agreed to re open Caffe Cinque under the following conditions:

I will return under the title of Executive Barista, and may hire an Assistant to the Executive Barista and an Assistant to the Assistant to the Executive Barista to help with all administrative duties.

I will be paid more.

All profits are to go towards posting bail, but any cash found under office floorboards or behind the staff toilet may be used for the Executive Barista's foreign travel and/ or liquor supply.

Valentine's Day

Note to staff:

As the chef is going through a bitter divorce and refuses to create a special Valentine's Day dish, existing menu items should be described as "share plates" to any customers resembling a happy couple this Sunday. There is a minimum order of two share plates per couple.

The communal table in the middle of the cafe has been reserved for Caffe Cinque's Annual Valentine's Day Speed Dating Brunch.
Customers wishing to reserve a seat at this table must apply to me in person and provide two recent colour photographs and fill out a form explaining why they are single.

Man Versus Child

As we are situated in one of Melbourne's more affluent suburbs, most of our customers are stay at home mums with nothing better to do than terrorize the staff at their local cafe.

Blonde, tanned, and on the wrong side of forty, they travel in packs carrying designer bags, designer dogs, and worst of all, Designer Babies.

Caffe Cinque is not a child friendly establishment. We do not provide high chairs. We do not allow prams inside the cafe, even when it's raining. We do not have a children's menu and while my Manager is still away, a Babycino costs $8.95.

Still, these women insist on turning Caffe Cinque into a mini day care centre, where they can let Little Anabella/Arabella/Isabella run wild and throw food on the floor while they sip their skinny lattes and bitch about the service.

In a last ditch effort to discourage their patronage, I have taken to wearing a home made paedophile's satellite tracking device during the day, which beeps when I stand within two metres of an oversized pram.

It's Not Easy Being Green

In order to combat Climate Change, Global Warming, and the second coming of Christ, Caffe Cinque has introduced the Salad Bar, encouraging anyone concerned about the environment to eat low on the food chain.

All salads are served in lettuce cups to save on washing up.

In an effort to reduce paper waste, customers may log onto the Caffe Cinque website to read the menu before dining, or can arrange for the specials to be emailed to them by subscribing to the Caffe Cinque newsletter.

As part of our in house Emissions Trading Scheme, a ten percent surcharge applies to cooked meals, and a ten percent discount offered to any customers willing to help plant drought tolerant plants on the terrazzo.

The Passion Of The Crust.

A very famous actor came into the cafe today and refused to sit in the High Priority area where everyone could see him.

Reluctantly, I seated him at a table in the far corner of the cafe usually reserved for less attractive, unknown patrons.

After taking his order for a toasted ham, cheese and tomato sandwich, the New Girl informed him that he was her favourite Old Man Actor and took a photo of him with her phone.

I sent her on an extended break and ran to the kitchen to supervise the making of the HCT, which he had requested on rye bread with the crusts removed.

All other orders were put on hold as I worked with the kitchen staff to produce the best crustless toasted sandwich this man had ever eaten. I did my best to act casual as I took it to his table, and told him that if he moved to a table by the window he could have the sandwich for free.

He refused, and I cursed these A list Hollywood stars who shun the spotlight.

Determined to recover the money I spent watching his last film, I retrieved the discarded crusts from the bin and placed the following ad on eBay;

Genuine Hollywood Crusts.
Used to make sandwich for Mad Max.
Must be refrigerated.
$15 plus postage.

The Caffe Cinque Foundation

Not to be out done by the Starbucks down the road, Caffe Cinque is proud to announce the Caffe Cinque Foundation, offering support to photogenic members of the local community and a number of worthwhile causes throughout the year.

This month, in support of local Paralympians competing in Vancouver, Caffe Cinque will be offering a complimentary mini muffin with every coffee purchased by wheel chair bound customers and anyone who can prove that they are legally blind.

This offer does not apply to customers temporarily wheelchair bound or elderly people whose eyesight is effected by a degenerative disease.

A two dollar surcharge applies on Sundays and public holidays and the fifteen dollar water bowl deposit still applies to seeing eye dogs.

Anyone wishing to be a recipient of the Caffe Cinque Foundation must apply in writing and include two recent, full length, colour photographs with their application.

Close call.

The owner of the cafe made a rare appearance today, and demanded to know why customers were eating scrambled eggs in the staff toilet.

Rather than explain that they were Low Priority customers relegated to the Emergency Seating Area, I faked an asthma attack.

A crowd gathered as I rolled around on the floor gasping for breath.

Eventually I was given a ventolin inhaler from Lost Property, and I did my best to make a convincing recovery, by which time the owner had left for "an important meeting in the city."

Twelve Dollars.

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to learn from the competition and steal ideas from cafes all over Melbourne.

Inspired by a recent visit to a new cafe in the city, I have placed the following sign above Caffe Cinque's menu board:

Caffe Cinque is pleased to announce the arrival of the Twelve Dollar Coffee, brewed from ethically sourced, single origin beans hand picked and roasted by virgins in third world countries.

Before placing an order, customers must be able to locate the following areas on a map; Veracruz, Chiapas, The Mauna Loa Volcano and Sulawesi

explain the difference between robusta and arabica,

describe coffee using three or more adjectives usually reserved for wine,

promise not ask for a refund upon realisation that the Twelve Dollar Coffee does not take the form of a mugacinno, frappacinno or mocha chai latte.

Seating Matrix

Customers are no longer permitted to seat themselves at Caffe Cinque, but must wait to be seated by a member of staff.

Caffe Cinque's seating areas are now classified and prioritised with differing levels of interest and service to be offered accordingly;

E1, or Exile 1 refers to the tables on the footpath and should be reserved for mothers with prams, where their prams will only interrupt the flow of other prams.

HP ( High Priority Seating, tables 1- 16)- for good looking customers, personal crushes and celebrities. These people are encouraged to sit on the terrazzo and on the benches by the windows in order to raise the profile of the cafe. Examples of HP customers include Ricki Lee Coultier and Rhonda Burchmore. Cast members of Neighbours and Home and Away may be seated here provided they have had at least twelve months screen time or have been involved in a major sex scandal.
Staff are advised to contact relevant media publications upon the arrival of these customers. Please find list of relevant phone numbers on office wall.

LP ( Low Priority Seating, tables 17- 25) - for ugly people and personal grudges.

ES ( Emergency Seating) - refers to the two tables in the large staff toilet. During lunch rushes these tables may be used for LP customers, or anyone redeeming free coffee or free sandwiches with loyalty cards. Please note that Emergency Seating will not be operational until a curtain is erected in front of the urinals.

DZ (Danger Zone) - refers to the counter, the take away coffee station and the table closest to the kitchen door, where most accidents occur. Under no circumstance are blind, deaf or wheelchair access customers to be seated near the Danger Zone.
At any time, staff may relegate HP and LP customers who have displayed offensive behavior to the Danger Zone in order to teach them a lesson. A prime example would be previously designated HP customer Kim Beasley, who informed staff that he did not order a big breakfast, after he had eaten it.

Tips

According to the Policies and Procedures Manual, (Chapter 6, Section 3) the following formula is to be used when calculating the tips at the end of each shift;



y(x) +Ay(x) y(a-x) +By(a-x) +Cy(x)=Dy(a-x)=f(x)
+y(x-y) + Ay(x+y) - Bx (a=x) +Cy
=f (x-y+f)


On rare occasions when the tips amount to more than $2.70, ten percent of this amount must be donated to legitimate carbon offset charities in the local vicinity as part of Caffe Cinque's committment to environmental sustainability as outlined in our Mission Statement. ( Policies and Procedures, Chapter One.)

Life Is A Cabernet, Old Chum

One week in, and I have already broken most of my New Year's Resolutions.

Rather than stress about this I have made a few ammendments;

I will only ignore customers that are both fat and ugly.

I will not reprimand customers for ordering their coffee incorrectly, I will simply ignore them also.

I will not drink Shiraz before 10am, but I will drink Cabernet at any time during the day, especially after dealing with fat, ugly customers who despite my best efforts, insist on ordering extra hot extra frothy lattes in mugs.

I keep a large Ribena bottle filled with Cabernet behind the Gaggia for emergency purposes. If the bottle is less than half empty by lunch time, I have two double espressos and a berocca.