The blonde girl who was eliminated in the third week of the second season of Big Brother came in today.
The wait staff were very excited but I pretended not to recognise her. I am a bit of a celebrity myself, having been the face of Barista's Own Performance Milk last year. I appeared in advertisements in three issues of Crema magazine but when I tried to increase my fee was replaced by some latte art.
She tried to order a skinny chai latte and I politely informed her that skim milk is for fat people and chai is for hippies, and that we don't serve fat people or hippies at Caffe Cinque, even if they are famous.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Home and Away
The dish pig has been offered a part on Home and Away as the dish washer in the Summer Bay Diner.
His mother is disappointed, as she would prefer to see her son play a doctor or a lawyer. He has decided not to tell her that his character is an illegal immigrant whose plans to blow up Summer Bay are foiled by the little runt from the surf club.
As it is a small role, he will only be away for a short time. Grateful for the break, I have decided not to take my chances on another dish pig, and have instructed staff to throw all dirty dishes in the bin until he returns.
His mother is disappointed, as she would prefer to see her son play a doctor or a lawyer. He has decided not to tell her that his character is an illegal immigrant whose plans to blow up Summer Bay are foiled by the little runt from the surf club.
As it is a small role, he will only be away for a short time. Grateful for the break, I have decided not to take my chances on another dish pig, and have instructed staff to throw all dirty dishes in the bin until he returns.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Christmas Party
Due to budgetary constraints, the Caffe Cinque Annual Christmas Party will be held at Caffe Cinque.
Staff have been instructed to "bring a plate." Partners are welcome to attend provided they also bring their own refreshments.
As we cannot afford to hire a karaoke machine this year, I will be reading from my as yet unpublished novella, "The Gaggia From Behind." I have made a few photocopies of the first draft, which I intend to sign and distribute as Christmas gifts.
I am in two minds about inviting Latte With Two Sugars. I might casually mention the event tomorrow morning, as I casually brush his hand passing him his coffee.
Staff have been instructed to "bring a plate." Partners are welcome to attend provided they also bring their own refreshments.
As we cannot afford to hire a karaoke machine this year, I will be reading from my as yet unpublished novella, "The Gaggia From Behind." I have made a few photocopies of the first draft, which I intend to sign and distribute as Christmas gifts.
I am in two minds about inviting Latte With Two Sugars. I might casually mention the event tomorrow morning, as I casually brush his hand passing him his coffee.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Portion Control
My ergonomic chair arrived this morning, unassembled, in a box with a forty page instruction booklet and a set of allen keys. The New Girl has spent the last six hours trying to put it together.
The cost of the chair is bound to be an issue at some point, so I have instructed all staff to follow my new Portion Control Guidelines to save a few dollars;
All San Pellegrino mineral water bottles are to be recycled, refilled with tap water, and resold.
We are only serving open sandwiches.
Napkins and toilet paper are available upon request (two sheets per customer per visit)
Under no circumstances is food to be served with a garnish.
All staff meals are suspended until further notice.
The cost of the chair is bound to be an issue at some point, so I have instructed all staff to follow my new Portion Control Guidelines to save a few dollars;
All San Pellegrino mineral water bottles are to be recycled, refilled with tap water, and resold.
We are only serving open sandwiches.
Napkins and toilet paper are available upon request (two sheets per customer per visit)
Under no circumstances is food to be served with a garnish.
All staff meals are suspended until further notice.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Quality Control
As Head Barista at Caffe Cinque, it is my duty to ensure that every cup of coffee served here is of the highest possible standard.
Which is why I am also the only barista at Caffe Cinque.
To prevent the other, less talented staff from man handling the Gaggia, I take the milk jugs and the group handles with me during my break. Regular customers know not to order coffee between 11.30 and 12.00 unless they are prepared to wait for me to finish my lunch. This also helps to ensure the quality of our clientele, as only those who truly appreciate good coffee are prepared to wait.
I know it is only a matter of time before my Manager has an issue with this, so I have taken the liberty of ordering an ergonomic chair from Denmark, which I intend to place in front of the Gaggia, so I can rest and make coffee at the same time.
Which is why I am also the only barista at Caffe Cinque.
To prevent the other, less talented staff from man handling the Gaggia, I take the milk jugs and the group handles with me during my break. Regular customers know not to order coffee between 11.30 and 12.00 unless they are prepared to wait for me to finish my lunch. This also helps to ensure the quality of our clientele, as only those who truly appreciate good coffee are prepared to wait.
I know it is only a matter of time before my Manager has an issue with this, so I have taken the liberty of ordering an ergonomic chair from Denmark, which I intend to place in front of the Gaggia, so I can rest and make coffee at the same time.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Fusion
Over the past few weeks I have caught many of our regular customers eating at the sushi bar across the road.
Although I feel like a jilted lover, I understand the need for variety in their diet, and have made a few small changes to our menu to lure them back to Caffe Cinque.
The following ad was placed on Seek.com this morning;
Wanted.
Spring Roll Technician for Italian Style, European Feel, Fusion Cafe/ Restaurant/Bar.
Must look authentic.
Although I feel like a jilted lover, I understand the need for variety in their diet, and have made a few small changes to our menu to lure them back to Caffe Cinque.
The following ad was placed on Seek.com this morning;
Wanted.
Spring Roll Technician for Italian Style, European Feel, Fusion Cafe/ Restaurant/Bar.
Must look authentic.
Friday, November 13, 2009
If You See Something, Say Something
Rather than admit I was hungover and too sick to work this morning, I left an old back pack from Lost Property under table six for an hour, then called Terrorist Hotline Australia.
The cafe was closed while police did a thorough search of the premises. Although they found no evidence of terrorist activity, they did find a few questionable things in the kitchen, and suggested we remain closed for the rest of the day while we gave the place a good clean.
The cafe was closed while police did a thorough search of the premises. Although they found no evidence of terrorist activity, they did find a few questionable things in the kitchen, and suggested we remain closed for the rest of the day while we gave the place a good clean.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Staff Training
Having completed my Wine Appreciation course at the local CAE, I have decided to change Caffe Cinque's wine list to complement our new menu. I have ordered samples from several wine suppliers and will be holding wine tasting sessions with my flat mate over the next few weeks.
The New Girl is showing little sign of improvement so I have increased our staff training sessions from once a fortnight to twice a week.
Tonight's session is based on Chapter 12 of the Policies and Procedures Manual; "Using Knowledge To Build Customer Trust, Loyalty and Sales." A recent medical study has revealed that "coffee consumption may be associated with decreased risk of endometrial cancer among women of excessive body weight." I have had several pamphlets printed with this valuable information, which the New Girl is to distribute amongst our larger female customers, which should result in increased coffee sales.
The New Girl is showing little sign of improvement so I have increased our staff training sessions from once a fortnight to twice a week.
Tonight's session is based on Chapter 12 of the Policies and Procedures Manual; "Using Knowledge To Build Customer Trust, Loyalty and Sales." A recent medical study has revealed that "coffee consumption may be associated with decreased risk of endometrial cancer among women of excessive body weight." I have had several pamphlets printed with this valuable information, which the New Girl is to distribute amongst our larger female customers, which should result in increased coffee sales.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Raven
Monday morning, cold and dreary, I stand before you, weak and weary
Wandering how much wine I may have had the night before
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at the cafe door.
'Tis some customer I suspect, tapping at the cafe door
Opening is such a chore.
Read the sign! We open at seven!
Ah, distinctly I remember, a cask of red, a weekend bender,
I do my utmost not to heave upon the floor,
Eagerly I wished the morrow, but in vain for with great sorrow
do I realise I must remain here evermore. Or at least till half past four.
Two short blacks, my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore,
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my cafe door
That I scarce was sure I heard you."
Here I opened wide the door.
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there wondering,
fearing
that I'd agreed to work all day and then all night,
But the silence was unbroken and the darkness gave no token, And the only words there spoken were the whispered words "Flat White."
Please would be nice. Flat white please.
Back into the cafe turning, cab sav merlot reflux burning
Soon again I heard the tapping somewhat louder then before.
"Surely you can wait a second,
till I season the machine, you reckon?
You are a heathen and a pest, and nothing more!"
Furious, I flung the shutter, yelled abuse towards the gutter when
In there stepped a man unshaven, and he sat at table four.
Not the least apology made he, not a "sorry" or "excuse me"
He just made himself at home at table four.
Sat and waited by the door, with The Herald Sun, what's more.
Much I marvelled this ungainly man to hear discourse so plainly,
Though his demand did offend I remained professionally polite,
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Blessed with such a fine upbringing would ever dare to start a fight
So politely I did boast that "we also offer toast"
To which he impolitely asked, with such a tone, for a Flat White.
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so laymen spoken,
"Your monosyllabic Neanderthal tongue's a bore.
However I will inform you and I feel that I must warn you
If you continue to be a prick I will show you to the door.
Ignoramus! Thing of evil! Heathen scum, you are the devil!
I fell my pedigree must now be brought to light.
I'm a writer! I am a writer! You have offended this country's future Patrick White!
I pull shots eight hours a day, though it barely pays my way
And in my spare time, if inspired, I write!"
He just looked at me, smiled, and said "Flat White."
"Be those words our sign of parting, Vermin Scum!" I shrieked upstarting
"Get thee back to where you were not long before!
Leave a big tip as a token of the only words you've spoken
Leave my loneliness unbroken! Excuse yourself from table four!"
He didn't hear a word I'm sure.
And this man, never flitting, still is sitting, yes, still sitting
And may very well stay seated at that table till tonight
For although I'm paid to serve, this is more than I deserve,
My sanity I must preserve,
So fuck him, and his Flat White.
With thanks to Paul Whelan and Edgar Allen Poe.
Wandering how much wine I may have had the night before
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at the cafe door.
'Tis some customer I suspect, tapping at the cafe door
Opening is such a chore.
Read the sign! We open at seven!
Ah, distinctly I remember, a cask of red, a weekend bender,
I do my utmost not to heave upon the floor,
Eagerly I wished the morrow, but in vain for with great sorrow
do I realise I must remain here evermore. Or at least till half past four.
Two short blacks, my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore,
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my cafe door
That I scarce was sure I heard you."
Here I opened wide the door.
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there wondering,
fearing
that I'd agreed to work all day and then all night,
But the silence was unbroken and the darkness gave no token, And the only words there spoken were the whispered words "Flat White."
Please would be nice. Flat white please.
Back into the cafe turning, cab sav merlot reflux burning
Soon again I heard the tapping somewhat louder then before.
"Surely you can wait a second,
till I season the machine, you reckon?
You are a heathen and a pest, and nothing more!"
Furious, I flung the shutter, yelled abuse towards the gutter when
In there stepped a man unshaven, and he sat at table four.
Not the least apology made he, not a "sorry" or "excuse me"
He just made himself at home at table four.
Sat and waited by the door, with The Herald Sun, what's more.
Much I marvelled this ungainly man to hear discourse so plainly,
Though his demand did offend I remained professionally polite,
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Blessed with such a fine upbringing would ever dare to start a fight
So politely I did boast that "we also offer toast"
To which he impolitely asked, with such a tone, for a Flat White.
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so laymen spoken,
"Your monosyllabic Neanderthal tongue's a bore.
However I will inform you and I feel that I must warn you
If you continue to be a prick I will show you to the door.
Ignoramus! Thing of evil! Heathen scum, you are the devil!
I fell my pedigree must now be brought to light.
I'm a writer! I am a writer! You have offended this country's future Patrick White!
I pull shots eight hours a day, though it barely pays my way
And in my spare time, if inspired, I write!"
He just looked at me, smiled, and said "Flat White."
"Be those words our sign of parting, Vermin Scum!" I shrieked upstarting
"Get thee back to where you were not long before!
Leave a big tip as a token of the only words you've spoken
Leave my loneliness unbroken! Excuse yourself from table four!"
He didn't hear a word I'm sure.
And this man, never flitting, still is sitting, yes, still sitting
And may very well stay seated at that table till tonight
For although I'm paid to serve, this is more than I deserve,
My sanity I must preserve,
So fuck him, and his Flat White.
With thanks to Paul Whelan and Edgar Allen Poe.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Back On The Gaggia
Spiro is leaving Caffe Cinque to represent Australia in the World Barista Championships in Seattle.
When he returns he plans to hire himself out to large corporations as a Coffee Consultant.
My Manager has taken her therapist's advice and found an interest outside of work, in order to create a healthy work/life balance and avoid another nervous break down. She has joined the local community theatre and is preparing to audition for their upcoming production of Agnes Of God. As she spends most her time in the office researching her character, I am free to run Front Of House as I see fit.
I am allowed back on the Gaggia if I promise to have the cafe open and ready for business at 7am everyday. I am not allowed to ban customers for mispronouncing "ciabatta" but I am permitted to charge extra for babycinos if the mothers leave their prams in the middle of the cafe.
When he returns he plans to hire himself out to large corporations as a Coffee Consultant.
My Manager has taken her therapist's advice and found an interest outside of work, in order to create a healthy work/life balance and avoid another nervous break down. She has joined the local community theatre and is preparing to audition for their upcoming production of Agnes Of God. As she spends most her time in the office researching her character, I am free to run Front Of House as I see fit.
I am allowed back on the Gaggia if I promise to have the cafe open and ready for business at 7am everyday. I am not allowed to ban customers for mispronouncing "ciabatta" but I am permitted to charge extra for babycinos if the mothers leave their prams in the middle of the cafe.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Maimed
The dish pig stabbed me in the leg this morning, but claimed it was an accident.
While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, I managed to fill out an Accident Report Sheet. Under Cause Of Injury I wrote "Attempted Murder."
At the hospital, a "doctor" assured me that I have a superficial wound. I demanded to see his medical degree.
When I returned to the cafe, limping and in a great deal of pain, the dish pig reminded me that he knows where I live, so I have decided not to press charges.
However, knives are now prohibited at Caffe Cinque. As a result, we can only offer menu items which do not require cutting ( while eating or during preparation.)
This means we are only serving muffins and pre sliced toast until further notice. All condiments are to be spread with a spoon.
While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, I managed to fill out an Accident Report Sheet. Under Cause Of Injury I wrote "Attempted Murder."
At the hospital, a "doctor" assured me that I have a superficial wound. I demanded to see his medical degree.
When I returned to the cafe, limping and in a great deal of pain, the dish pig reminded me that he knows where I live, so I have decided not to press charges.
However, knives are now prohibited at Caffe Cinque. As a result, we can only offer menu items which do not require cutting ( while eating or during preparation.)
This means we are only serving muffins and pre sliced toast until further notice. All condiments are to be spread with a spoon.
New Improved Crush
The Chadwick's model/waiter with the classic European features has informed me that he is in a serious relationship, so I had to fire him.
I have since developed a crush on a customer; "Latte With Two Sugars"
He is not my type at all and for a while I struggled to understand my attraction to him, eventually coming to the terrifying conclusion that I fancy him because he is polite. I have been working here so long that I am now fantasizing about someone because they can say please and thank you.
While taking his order this morning I casually mentioned that I am a writer and tomorrow I plan to casually write in my Moleskine in front of him.
I have since developed a crush on a customer; "Latte With Two Sugars"
He is not my type at all and for a while I struggled to understand my attraction to him, eventually coming to the terrifying conclusion that I fancy him because he is polite. I have been working here so long that I am now fantasizing about someone because they can say please and thank you.
While taking his order this morning I casually mentioned that I am a writer and tomorrow I plan to casually write in my Moleskine in front of him.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
"Free Range", "Organic" and Other Little White Lies
During this evening's Staff Training Session, I suggested that the New Girl draw on her skills as an actor to make our food more appetizing. I explained that waitressing is similar to acting, in that they both involve a fair amount of make believe, but that rather than learning an entire script, she should memorise a few key phrases popular here at Caffe Cinque;
"Home Made", "Gluten Free", "Low Fat", "No Fat", "99% Fat Free", "Skim Milk", "Organic", "Free Range" and my personal favourite; "Fresh."
I told her to go home and practice putting as many phrases as she can into one sentence, for example; " Would you like to try one of our home made organic gluten free choc chip muffins, 99% fat free, fresh today?"
"Home Made", "Gluten Free", "Low Fat", "No Fat", "99% Fat Free", "Skim Milk", "Organic", "Free Range" and my personal favourite; "Fresh."
I told her to go home and practice putting as many phrases as she can into one sentence, for example; " Would you like to try one of our home made organic gluten free choc chip muffins, 99% fat free, fresh today?"
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Restraining Order
I have taken out a restraining order against the dish pig.
During the lunch rush, I struggle to stack dirty dishes the correct way; "Plates with plates, bowls with bowls, cutlery in the basket" (Policies and Procedures, Chapter 11, section 5)
This morning he claimed he was too busy to stack AND wash and threatened to slit my throat if I did not "match the shapes".
The dish pig is a classically trained actor with anger management issues.
He is permitted to stay at Caffe Cinque as long as he keeps his temper in check with weekly visits to a therapist. Before Caffe Cinque he was briefly employed at a call centre, but was fired for excessive use of the word "mate", as in "Don't hang up on me mate or I'll ram this fucking phone up your arse I know where you live mate."
One condition of the restraining order is that he must keep a distance of twenty feet from me at all times, which makes working the floor virtually impossible, so I have decided to supervise the wait staff from behind the drinks fridge, until Spiro leaves and I am reunited with my precious Gaggia.
During the lunch rush, I struggle to stack dirty dishes the correct way; "Plates with plates, bowls with bowls, cutlery in the basket" (Policies and Procedures, Chapter 11, section 5)
This morning he claimed he was too busy to stack AND wash and threatened to slit my throat if I did not "match the shapes".
The dish pig is a classically trained actor with anger management issues.
He is permitted to stay at Caffe Cinque as long as he keeps his temper in check with weekly visits to a therapist. Before Caffe Cinque he was briefly employed at a call centre, but was fired for excessive use of the word "mate", as in "Don't hang up on me mate or I'll ram this fucking phone up your arse I know where you live mate."
One condition of the restraining order is that he must keep a distance of twenty feet from me at all times, which makes working the floor virtually impossible, so I have decided to supervise the wait staff from behind the drinks fridge, until Spiro leaves and I am reunited with my precious Gaggia.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Spiro
Tired of waiting for me to recover from my near death experience with the steam wand, my Manager pulled rank and hired a Replacement Barista.
Spiro is National Champion Barista three years running, latte art professional and all round top bloke. His two passions in life are coffee and fitness. He can do twenty two push ups in the twenty two seconds it takes to pour the perfect shot.
I hate him.
I have been relegated to the floor, where I must take orders, clear dishes and wipe tables with the New Girl.
Working the floor involves a lot of walking so I have insisted on a much longer lunch break, which I spend plotting Spiro's downfall and my Manager's slow and painful death.
Spiro is National Champion Barista three years running, latte art professional and all round top bloke. His two passions in life are coffee and fitness. He can do twenty two push ups in the twenty two seconds it takes to pour the perfect shot.
I hate him.
I have been relegated to the floor, where I must take orders, clear dishes and wipe tables with the New Girl.
Working the floor involves a lot of walking so I have insisted on a much longer lunch break, which I spend plotting Spiro's downfall and my Manager's slow and painful death.
Work Place Injury
I burnt my hand on the steam wand this morning, distracted by the Chadwick's model/waiter with the classic European Features.
I closed the cafe while I took a taxi to the nearest hospital, where I was assured I did not have second degree burns, and given a band aid.
I will be dictating amendments to the Policies and Procedures Manual to the New Girl until I am able to write again.
Caffe Cinque will not be serving coffee until I am well enough to use the Gaggia.
I will also be attending trauma counselling to help me overcome my fear of steam, and have contacted A Current Affair, suggesting a segment about Occupational Health and Safety in the Hospitality Industry.
The hospital refused to give me any medication, so I have pilfered some of my Manager's to help me cope with the pain.
I closed the cafe while I took a taxi to the nearest hospital, where I was assured I did not have second degree burns, and given a band aid.
I will be dictating amendments to the Policies and Procedures Manual to the New Girl until I am able to write again.
Caffe Cinque will not be serving coffee until I am well enough to use the Gaggia.
I will also be attending trauma counselling to help me overcome my fear of steam, and have contacted A Current Affair, suggesting a segment about Occupational Health and Safety in the Hospitality Industry.
The hospital refused to give me any medication, so I have pilfered some of my Manager's to help me cope with the pain.
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