Note to staff:
As the chef is going through a bitter divorce and refuses to create a special Valentine's Day dish, existing menu items should be described as "share plates" to any customers resembling a happy couple this Sunday. There is a minimum order of two share plates per couple.
The communal table in the middle of the cafe has been reserved for Caffe Cinque's Annual Valentine's Day Speed Dating Brunch.
Customers wishing to reserve a seat at this table must apply to me in person and provide two recent colour photographs and fill out a form explaining why they are single.
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